When it comes to settling, its strange to realize how easy it really would be to do so. A conversation I had with one of my friends brought up the notion whether an intelligent person could truly let themselves fall into an undesirable marriage...also known as settling. For this grand experiment we happened to both gain boyfriends at about the same time. It was most unsettling (no pun intended) to find that indeed we could and came very close to finding ourselves ensconced in said non-beneficial eternal relationship. So scary.
There's some good news and bad news connected with our findings of the grand experiment. Good news, we are in the process of seriously getting out and there might actually be people out there that we won't have to "settle" for. The bad news: curiosity killed the cat on this one and at the least, my bout with fire has left me extremely singed and weak. I hate him. And myself for not having the strength to get out sooner. As it is I have to depend heavily on the right person who is as close to my mother as I've got and...sigh...mer hervenlya fervuh....you want me to say it louder?....grrr...my hervernly ferther....come on guys, you heard what I said, "my Heavenly Father"! Are you happy?! I said it, ok?!
Trouble is, and a ton of girls fall into this trap, I was in love with him, like truly. I was in love with who he should be, the combination of his talents and ideals coupled with the Savior's love and example he would radiate should have chosen to apply it to his life. He's so resistant to the second part, pride being of course the infamous culprit. The pride I'm talking about is the fear of lost "autonomy" if he were to acquiesce to or sacrifice for another. Its not just a simple matter of selfishness, its the ultimate matter of self-centeredness and self-preservation that keeps him from achieving greatness. I mean, he's even good-looking for heaven sakes!
And this mentality seems to be the norm for a TON of guys in the church, especially in Provo. They can know all they want about the scriptures, sacrifice, the atonement, everything. They will tell you that they learned this on their mission. But they are far from actually implementing these things into their lives. They would seem to be good, but until you can see from their countenance that their hearts have been pierced by the honest life that Christ has led, no, run, run away, because there is no one to stop them from selfish behavior unless they were to somehow dig deep within themselves to question the "norm" LDS man life. And hear this, if you try to bring this to their realization you will be doubly hurt by them throwing back in your face that you're nagging and that you should accept that nothing is perfect, challenging your ideals of who you want your husband to be. They want you to accept them because it is easy for them. They don't have to change.
Many would question how much should a person have to change in order to get married. If something's not working by wiggling here and there to try and change it, just like repentance, it won't change until you apply real force. In repentance, in order to change who we are, we must do a 180. We don't change our personality, but we do change what we want; we change our souls and how we feel. True repentance must come from wanting joy and if we're still wanting to sin...well...its never going to happen, then its too late. It's not a matter of priority for me anymore what I want, there's only one want and it just happens to be a need too.
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