I watched Alias for at least 4 or 5 hours today. One of my favorite songs since meeting Nelson is Jeff Buckley's Lover You Should Have Come Over. Oddly enough it played during an episode. It made me sad and sad. And hungry for sad love at all.
Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe Im too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight youre on my mind so you never know
When Im broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage hes done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one
So Ill wait for you... and Ill burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late
Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come
Its never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
Its never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
Its never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
Its never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
Well maybe Im just too young
To keep good love from going wrong
Oh... lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late
Well I feel too young to hold on
And Im much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage Ive done
Sweet lover, you shouldve come over
Oh, love well Im waiting for you
Lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
For the romantic he was, it might as well have been...
When it comes to settling, its strange to realize how easy it really would be to do so. A conversation I had with one of my friends brought up the notion whether an intelligent person could truly let themselves fall into an undesirable marriage...also known as settling. For this grand experiment we happened to both gain boyfriends at about the same time. It was most unsettling (no pun intended) to find that indeed we could and came very close to finding ourselves ensconced in said non-beneficial eternal relationship. So scary.
There's some good news and bad news connected with our findings of the grand experiment. Good news, we are in the process of seriously getting out and there might actually be people out there that we won't have to "settle" for. The bad news: curiosity killed the cat on this one and at the least, my bout with fire has left me extremely singed and weak. I hate him. And myself for not having the strength to get out sooner. As it is I have to depend heavily on the right person who is as close to my mother as I've got and...sigh...mer hervenlya fervuh....you want me to say it louder?....grrr...my hervernly ferther....come on guys, you heard what I said, "my Heavenly Father"! Are you happy?! I said it, ok?!
Trouble is, and a ton of girls fall into this trap, I was in love with him, like truly. I was in love with who he should be, the combination of his talents and ideals coupled with the Savior's love and example he would radiate should have chosen to apply it to his life. He's so resistant to the second part, pride being of course the infamous culprit. The pride I'm talking about is the fear of lost "autonomy" if he were to acquiesce to or sacrifice for another. Its not just a simple matter of selfishness, its the ultimate matter of self-centeredness and self-preservation that keeps him from achieving greatness. I mean, he's even good-looking for heaven sakes!
And this mentality seems to be the norm for a TON of guys in the church, especially in Provo. They can know all they want about the scriptures, sacrifice, the atonement, everything. They will tell you that they learned this on their mission. But they are far from actually implementing these things into their lives. They would seem to be good, but until you can see from their countenance that their hearts have been pierced by the honest life that Christ has led, no, run, run away, because there is no one to stop them from selfish behavior unless they were to somehow dig deep within themselves to question the "norm" LDS man life. And hear this, if you try to bring this to their realization you will be doubly hurt by them throwing back in your face that you're nagging and that you should accept that nothing is perfect, challenging your ideals of who you want your husband to be. They want you to accept them because it is easy for them. They don't have to change.
Many would question how much should a person have to change in order to get married. If something's not working by wiggling here and there to try and change it, just like repentance, it won't change until you apply real force. In repentance, in order to change who we are, we must do a 180. We don't change our personality, but we do change what we want; we change our souls and how we feel. True repentance must come from wanting joy and if we're still wanting to sin...well...its never going to happen, then its too late. It's not a matter of priority for me anymore what I want, there's only one want and it just happens to be a need too.
There's some good news and bad news connected with our findings of the grand experiment. Good news, we are in the process of seriously getting out and there might actually be people out there that we won't have to "settle" for. The bad news: curiosity killed the cat on this one and at the least, my bout with fire has left me extremely singed and weak. I hate him. And myself for not having the strength to get out sooner. As it is I have to depend heavily on the right person who is as close to my mother as I've got and...sigh...mer hervenlya fervuh....you want me to say it louder?....grrr...my hervernly ferther....come on guys, you heard what I said, "my Heavenly Father"! Are you happy?! I said it, ok?!
Trouble is, and a ton of girls fall into this trap, I was in love with him, like truly. I was in love with who he should be, the combination of his talents and ideals coupled with the Savior's love and example he would radiate should have chosen to apply it to his life. He's so resistant to the second part, pride being of course the infamous culprit. The pride I'm talking about is the fear of lost "autonomy" if he were to acquiesce to or sacrifice for another. Its not just a simple matter of selfishness, its the ultimate matter of self-centeredness and self-preservation that keeps him from achieving greatness. I mean, he's even good-looking for heaven sakes!
And this mentality seems to be the norm for a TON of guys in the church, especially in Provo. They can know all they want about the scriptures, sacrifice, the atonement, everything. They will tell you that they learned this on their mission. But they are far from actually implementing these things into their lives. They would seem to be good, but until you can see from their countenance that their hearts have been pierced by the honest life that Christ has led, no, run, run away, because there is no one to stop them from selfish behavior unless they were to somehow dig deep within themselves to question the "norm" LDS man life. And hear this, if you try to bring this to their realization you will be doubly hurt by them throwing back in your face that you're nagging and that you should accept that nothing is perfect, challenging your ideals of who you want your husband to be. They want you to accept them because it is easy for them. They don't have to change.
Many would question how much should a person have to change in order to get married. If something's not working by wiggling here and there to try and change it, just like repentance, it won't change until you apply real force. In repentance, in order to change who we are, we must do a 180. We don't change our personality, but we do change what we want; we change our souls and how we feel. True repentance must come from wanting joy and if we're still wanting to sin...well...its never going to happen, then its too late. It's not a matter of priority for me anymore what I want, there's only one want and it just happens to be a need too.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
God has a plan for us
The following is as far as I got on a 5-minute talk I had to prepare for Young Ambassadors...Erika reminded me why I really wrote it, probably for this time in my life.
God has a plan for us
One of the most powerful images my mother ever instilled in me was as she explained a passage in her patriarchal blessing which read, “Before you left His presence He explained very carefully to you those things He expected of you in this life, and He will reveal them to you as you prepare yourself for them.” I’m sure there were many times that she strained to remember that illuminating conversation between her and her Heavenly Father, yearning for the clarity to make difficult decisions in her life. I know in my own life I wish I could remember exactly what my Heavenly father expected of me, wanting to know how I could best endure the trials set upon me in this life.
In an attempt to reconstruct a basic plan for my life I once asked my mother in exasperation what Heavenly Father wanted me to do with my life, because I had, afterall, tried everything and couldn’t find a way to please him as was evident by my miserable situation! I was of course under the assumption that he had a verbatim plan for me and if I were to somehow follow it exactly I would find perfect fulfillment and happiness. After careful consideration, for I had often depended heavily on her to be my steward in spiritual guidance, she simply told me that Heavenly Father wanted me to be happy. I was skeptical. It seemed a simple answer, but one that changed my perspective on how I looked at the meaning of life. After holding to the iron rod, Lehi, in his prolific dream, comes upon the Tree of Life which symbolizes eternal life and joy. The scripture Nephi 8:10 reads “And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.” It seemed that God’s plan all along was offer us something that would make us happy.
As a junior in high school I was once actually paying attention to a lesson in seminary. We were studying Abraham 3:22-23, “22. Now the Lord had shown unto me, Abraham, the intelligences that were organized before the world was; and among all these there were many of the noble and great ones; 23. And God saw these souls that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make me rulers; for he stood among those that were spirits, and he saw that they were good; and he said unto me: Abraham, thou art one of them; thou wast chosen before thou wast born.” I was immediately alarmed and worried. I panicked as I thought perhaps I was not one of these noble and great ones. Was I just a cipher on the wall, not even brave at all? If anyone is in doubt what a cipher means in that lyric from Saturday’s Warrior it’s literally zero, or “one having no influence or value; a nonentity.”
I remember clearly that evening kneeling down on my knees asking Heavenly Father whether or not I was special. Was I one of the chosen ones or was I just one of the trillions of His “filler” children to bulk up the rest of the population for variety (I always sort of felt sorry for the gentiles in the Old Testament). I must say that that experience produced one of the most direct answers I have ever received from our Heavenly Father. I was prompted to retrieve my patriarchal blessing, something I had not looked at for probably a year or so. In the blessing after asking for His spirit to reside and declaring my lineage, this was the very first line: “You are fortunate to be on earth at a time when the Lord has need of special spirits. Your presence here on earth now is indicative of a faithful sojourn in the pre-existence where you were numbered among the noble and great spirits reserved to come forth in this time of the earth’s journey.”
Hopefully I will redeem my status.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A lovely wee voice.
I've decided I love the Scottish. Well probably not all of them, but I'm sure a great deal of them. One of my good friends April Mangham married a scottish guy, she said here favorite part was being called a "wee lass"....I'll take it. Anyway, I'm watching Dear Frankie and desperately craving fish and chips...I'll go see what I can find in the kitchen and then I'll be back to explain some of the best relationship advice I've ever received and other suggestions on what to do with my life because I still have adventures on the horizon...
Last night was Molly's reception and I talked to Erika. These last few months with Nelson have been a complete whirlwind and most of the time I don't know how to process all of the information that i've collected by being and not being with him. I wish I could have always have been so excited to have him (at least at one point) be my boyfriend, but I've been reticent at times to talk about him or introduce him as such because of the rocky nature of our relationship since about the first week. Because of this, and this waiting to actually see him in person today for the first time in 2 weeks, I counseled with Erika about my feelings on the matter. She said not to jump ship yet. That of course I'm not going to feel totally sure about it until the puzzle pieces are put together. Right now there are all of these pieces that set out and I've basically only started working on the border pieces...just sorting them out of all of the other random jig-sawed ones.
It made sense to me mostly because earlier that day while I was at work I thought of the same thing. We're doing the spring changeover there and because the store was so hopelessly disorganized and not merchandised very well, me and co-worker spent the better half of the day moving entire fixtures. It was really hard and kind of difficult for me to map it out all completely before we started because there were so many things that had to happen at once. So we tackled little bits at a time. There were times during the process that my associate would turn to me with a quizzical look on her face and ask how the heck certain things were going to fit or what were we going to do with such-and-such a group. But the whole time I knew it was all going to come together. It wasn't going to be perfect, and perhaps there would be more work redoing the mistakes that we had made, but I knew it would be better than it was and it gave me joy to organize it.
As we were discussing this, hand gestures and finger miming came into play as she described how I needed to make my plans, he needed to make his and if it was right our plans would come together. I realized that I had, in agreeing to date Nelson, abandoned all of my plans and tried to jump into his. Wrong, wrong wrong! Well, I was wrong to do that anyways. It made me unhappy and extremely dependent on him...which made me clingy, which made him queasy, which made me queasy and clingyer until there was this big blow out of neediness on New Year's Eve afterwhich I decided I was going to be back on my own forever...
until I talked to Brenda from the sex industry.
Well that's what she said to shock me anyways. Brenda is a red-headed spit-fire from South Carolina that works at my store who decided the night before to take it upon herself to find me a husband, even if that meant supplying one from her own three unmarried boys. So New Year's day after the Eve blow-out had a good talk with her that improved my life two fold: first, it put me in a position where I could glean from her her years wisdom about being single and happy etc. and it also let her know I was a human manager with feeling and would be willing to listen which would make her more open to taking direction and helping me be successful managing the store.
I know this because after we discussed Nelson for a bit and whether or not we thought he treated me well when she told me about having been in the sex business. What she went on to say is that she managed a store in which one third of the merchandise was lingerie so she had many a chance to see all the different kinds of relationships and girl halves of the relationships march through her store. She told me about how some girls clung to the futile hope that their douches of boyfriends would "change" and somehow they'd start treating them better if the girls gave them more of what they wanted....Somehow it applied to my life I think...er...:)
At one pont she started wondering out loud why a cute little whipper-snapper like me was stuck doing this dreary managerial business when she thought I should be in the "hospitality industry" like two of her boys one who was apparently very wealthy and very single at the age of 37....I'm always up for adventure, but I thought I'd better figure this Nelson thing out first. Anywho, she said that with my design background I should be an events planner. And I was like "no way! I've totally looked into that! You're right Brenda." So I started dreaming and scheming all over again, something that I hadn't done since I worked at Nuskin 3 months ago.
It was like a breath of fresh air. You know what? Later that day I started tentatively telling Nelson about it which opened the door to talk about the night before which opened the door to talking about why I was newly independently freshly scheming like I was. So...now we're still on a break, but we'll see what "my plans" do to our relationship and if they truly will move towards his....:)
Last night was Molly's reception and I talked to Erika. These last few months with Nelson have been a complete whirlwind and most of the time I don't know how to process all of the information that i've collected by being and not being with him. I wish I could have always have been so excited to have him (at least at one point) be my boyfriend, but I've been reticent at times to talk about him or introduce him as such because of the rocky nature of our relationship since about the first week. Because of this, and this waiting to actually see him in person today for the first time in 2 weeks, I counseled with Erika about my feelings on the matter. She said not to jump ship yet. That of course I'm not going to feel totally sure about it until the puzzle pieces are put together. Right now there are all of these pieces that set out and I've basically only started working on the border pieces...just sorting them out of all of the other random jig-sawed ones.
It made sense to me mostly because earlier that day while I was at work I thought of the same thing. We're doing the spring changeover there and because the store was so hopelessly disorganized and not merchandised very well, me and co-worker spent the better half of the day moving entire fixtures. It was really hard and kind of difficult for me to map it out all completely before we started because there were so many things that had to happen at once. So we tackled little bits at a time. There were times during the process that my associate would turn to me with a quizzical look on her face and ask how the heck certain things were going to fit or what were we going to do with such-and-such a group. But the whole time I knew it was all going to come together. It wasn't going to be perfect, and perhaps there would be more work redoing the mistakes that we had made, but I knew it would be better than it was and it gave me joy to organize it.
As we were discussing this, hand gestures and finger miming came into play as she described how I needed to make my plans, he needed to make his and if it was right our plans would come together. I realized that I had, in agreeing to date Nelson, abandoned all of my plans and tried to jump into his. Wrong, wrong wrong! Well, I was wrong to do that anyways. It made me unhappy and extremely dependent on him...which made me clingy, which made him queasy, which made me queasy and clingyer until there was this big blow out of neediness on New Year's Eve afterwhich I decided I was going to be back on my own forever...
until I talked to Brenda from the sex industry.
Well that's what she said to shock me anyways. Brenda is a red-headed spit-fire from South Carolina that works at my store who decided the night before to take it upon herself to find me a husband, even if that meant supplying one from her own three unmarried boys. So New Year's day after the Eve blow-out had a good talk with her that improved my life two fold: first, it put me in a position where I could glean from her her years wisdom about being single and happy etc. and it also let her know I was a human manager with feeling and would be willing to listen which would make her more open to taking direction and helping me be successful managing the store.
I know this because after we discussed Nelson for a bit and whether or not we thought he treated me well when she told me about having been in the sex business. What she went on to say is that she managed a store in which one third of the merchandise was lingerie so she had many a chance to see all the different kinds of relationships and girl halves of the relationships march through her store. She told me about how some girls clung to the futile hope that their douches of boyfriends would "change" and somehow they'd start treating them better if the girls gave them more of what they wanted....Somehow it applied to my life I think...er...:)
At one pont she started wondering out loud why a cute little whipper-snapper like me was stuck doing this dreary managerial business when she thought I should be in the "hospitality industry" like two of her boys one who was apparently very wealthy and very single at the age of 37....I'm always up for adventure, but I thought I'd better figure this Nelson thing out first. Anywho, she said that with my design background I should be an events planner. And I was like "no way! I've totally looked into that! You're right Brenda." So I started dreaming and scheming all over again, something that I hadn't done since I worked at Nuskin 3 months ago.
It was like a breath of fresh air. You know what? Later that day I started tentatively telling Nelson about it which opened the door to talk about the night before which opened the door to talking about why I was newly independently freshly scheming like I was. So...now we're still on a break, but we'll see what "my plans" do to our relationship and if they truly will move towards his....:)
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