At work You Are So Beautiful to Me and What a Wonderful World played one after the other. Even though the latter was sung by Rod Steward (known as "Rod" by me and my boss Kerri) and not Mr. Armstrong, I was still soothed and happified. I wanted to talk a little about how everything is going to be okay. It seemed interesting that that one phrase, "everything is going to be okay" can always pacify me. I was talking to my friend Matt Christensen last night about everything under the sun, more specifically our present stated of religious discord, I realize that I depend on that feeling from Heavenly Father with my life. Mom helped with that too, and pointed out that during a particular despairing episode including weeping late one night, that the thought to drink a big class of water and a Tylenol PM and go to sleep was definitely a result of my mother's continuing presence in my life. I'm starting to think that maybe she does have more time to help her children with their eternal salvation on this earth rather than teaching others in the next...
Ha, I'm thinking evil thoughts...like since my boss isn't here today, putting Saturday's Warrior soundtrack in the cd player for the store instead of listening to the satellite radio station for 3 more hours. I won't, but it was a thought. SO. I realized something last night that I think I need to record (since my written journal is so much less accessible than this, I'll save my usual boy rantings and ravings for that...for now).
Talking with Matt, I realized that growing up in the church we are so very naive. Well, let me rephrase that; we have a naivety about ourselves. I remember very specifically learning what the Holy Ghost should feel like and how "wonderful" I would feel when I read the scriptures or said my prayers. There's nothing wrong with this, but I got to thinking that I and probably most other people have had a "Fall" of their own, a time when they are personally cut off from the Lord's presence. A lot of people would say something more like "you have to find your own testimony" implying that most have literally been relying on the testimonies of others their entire lives. But I don't know if that's necessarily true. I think we do have testimonies when we are younger, most would agree that children are way more susceptible to the spirit than adults.
Implying that we have a personal "Fall" means that we go from a state of being very susceptible to the spirit and communicating more closely to Heavenly Father to a state where we aren't as close and are only able to communicate comparatively poorly, relying on few spiritual experiences granted us to assure us that we're doin' stuff right. Ha, its no wonder that we're banished at some point in our lives for what we do, for heaven sakes, Adam got booted just for eating an apple! By actually implementing the Fall as a parable in our lives, we can see more clearly how to walk(or stumble) along our paths to reconnect face to face with God. Adam and Eve seemed to do it and I don't remember the Genesis biography as being a particularly ease-filled epic.
What I've found is that one of our biggest obstacles we face in this life is becoming comfortable with the communication system with Heavenly Father. Let's face it, its unpredictable (to us), illogical (to us) and needs a lot of servicing in order to function properly. Used one way once doesn't necessarily mean that a repeat of that experience is a given. But we have to figure out how to use it by ourselves or we are cut off. Looping back up to the paragraph previous, that's where Adam and Eve and all those other scripture heroes come in handy. It shows us that we are not alone, we are not the only ones going through this. That's one of the wisest things I've learned from Louise; just knowing that you're not the only one going through something makes it bearable.
My friends and I always joke about lowered expectations (usually when referring to relationships and ECs), but maybe our whole Mormon Culture Mentality needs a revamping in order to have lower expectations for what our Mormon lives should be. A song that has been stuck in my head for the past two days goes a somethin' a like a this:
When I grow up, I want to be a mother and have a family,
One little, two little, three little babies of my own.
So. After realizing that this initial brainwashing in my formative years, might have contributed a teensy eensy bit to my current unhappy baby-less situation, I was calmed to realize that I did really want these things, but still miffed that I was grown up and I did not have one little, two little, three little babies of my own. The song defaulted on its promise. Lesson that needs to be stamped back into our heads: we do not deserve anything, therefore we should expect nothing. That way we will be pleasantly surprised when we do get our babies. In regards to our "Falls"and our communications with the big guy, expect life to be hard, then when its easy we will be pleasantly surprised. None of this is gospel, if fact it might be good ole false doctrine, but it gives me that little peace which feels a lot like maybe I'm getting a little closer to my state before the Fall.
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