So my sister-in-law subtly encouraged me to write a new entry on my blog. That made me feel important, like someone actually wants to be a witness to my life. Or at least ridiculous little tidbits that show up on a blog. I hope if you are reading this then I can offer you a complimentary wetting-of-the-pants. Not really that funny sorry, but that was.
Recap since I got locked into my house. I saw Iron Man. Then I saw the Hulk. Did not know that they were brother movies. The pinnacle of my happiness in the last two weeks, really...that gives an idea of my contentment, finding Robert Downey Jr. in cahoots with Edward Norton after 2 hours of fabulous action and love. I like the message of these movies: if you are greedy or creepy you will get dominated by a creature.
So yeah, I also auditioned as Marian Paroo for the Center Street Musical Theater. There are callbacks tomorrow morning and one of my lovely co-workers is staying later for me so I can go. I'm actually pretty excited even though I've heard mixed reviews about this theater, one of them being from my sister Katie who quit after a week of rehearsing as some kind of street urchin in A Christmas Carol. The other was from another friend who shall remain nameless (siblings don't have copyrights, sorry Katie), who said while they LOVE the people who own the company, but that their middle name is nepotism. It's aight, I haven't participated in unpaid community theater for 10 years and this was the last theater that had auditions for fall productions.
I talked a bunch with my aunt Sneebie ('Debbie' in real life, I don't even know the origin of the 'Sn' anymore) these last two days searching for some sort of assurance that my life is not in vain and that I will indeed find a use for my degree. Upon finding out that I just graduated many customers at the PPC will ask what I plan to do with my degree. I usually answer something vague like "um, I'll probably go into design or something," or even better I'll shrug my shoulders and say in irony, "work here" indicating the PPC. Sneebie and I decided that next time somebody asks me, "so what do you plan to do with your degree?" I answer, "Shut up."
I was pacified by this plan and thus could move on to other pressing issues in my life. We talked about my upcoming plans to audition for the Missoula Children's Theater touring company. I would stay here in Provo at least until next year then go live with the Sneeb until I left with the company. She's "tight" with the Producer/Owner of MCT so it'll be good to see the benefits on the positive side of nepotism.
I feel compelled to lay before myself and my readers/entourage my thoughts about a certain relationship that I've had for many years. You will all know who this is and so therefore I will keep him nameless as well. A few weeks ago I was talking with, let's call him, Mr. Z. explaining that I wanted to be free from him the way I was when the 3rd epoch of our relationship ended in a vow that we would never speak to each other again. It was devastating at first when that happened, but the ensuing months proved to be very healing as I thought about him very rarely and was able to feel free from his gravitational presence. I think the biggest magnet to him he explained himself when he said a few months ago, "People are drawn to me. they may like me, they may not, but they don't forget me and they will continue to think about me."
Mr. Z. earns the award for most quotable person in my life. Apart from that I realized he was right, but I decided that this was only so because people didn't realize that they were drawn to him. So what did I do? I didn't speak to him for the next 3 weeks. Did I think about him? Yes, he won on that point. But did he think about me more? Most definitely. It wasn't a contest, it was a test for myself that I could live without him if I chose. I didn't want to live without him, but I could jump ship when, not if, it comes down to severing him from certain parts of my life that he will not be noticed, will not be thought of and definitely not be influenced by.
There's a creeping feeling of insecurity that I will cave, I think this is where my bravery will be tested to the limits! The point for this whole section of the blog is to say that I started the severing process. First I told him he wasn't husband material as mentioned in an earlier blog, then I asked him a favor that challenged his "I'll do anything for my friends" motto. Asking a question favor like the one I asked changes things, however subtly. He didn't deny me the favor, but all of a sudden in one conversation our relationship was reduced to something much more business-like. It bounced back after that, but not to its full strength. I can't tell if I'm breaking it down on purpose by testing the strength of our relationship or if its the "freedom-from-him" mantra of my subconscious that made me ask the favor in the first place well knowing that it would cause some kind of disturbance. I am never content to leave well enough alone.
Phew. I need an editor for my blog. Feel free to leave a comment. Feel free to dis him, dis me for sticking around for him and congratulate me on drifting away. The encouragement could do wonders. But these are matters of the heart and my 'family' is the only thing I've got so I've got to fix it.
2 comments:
WHAT WAS THE FAVOR? Was it, "will you marry me if we are both single by the time i'm 30." "Will you stop calling me." what was it????
MMMMMMMMMk this is probably way off and will sound really harsh but at least it will give you something to think about. First off Mr. Z sounds a little conceited to me and this could be a stretch, but, he may be intentionally getting under your skin if he knowns he has that kind of influence on you, reminding you of how "unforgettable" of a person he is. Excuse me while I hurl! I know for me, there are oodles upon oodles of people in my life who I cannot forget for one reason or another. I remember a boy from the 4th grade I'd known only a couple of years and he sometimes comes up in my thoughts (I'll explain why if you ask. Now is not the time though). If this guy is pathetic enough, or his self esteem is so low that he feels compelled to remind you of something so desperate-sounding, yet obvious, then severing ties was a wise decision. Of course he is unforgettable! But that doesn't mean that you can't find other unforgettable people to fill your life with (and will probably toy with your emotions less). Why should he tell you he is the only unforgettable person in our life. I expected so much more from the man my husband admires.
wow! that last statement was really dramatic. guess what? i've lost 5 pounds since i got here!
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