I won't say I've come a long way from the young woman who decided to make up a blog about her family of one, but I've definitely been on some kind of path. I remember when I started this that I was somewhat pessimistic about my marriage prospects and therefore may have been slightly derogatory to those who were married. There is NO way I could have known what marriage was all really about, but after two years of living through it, I still think my earlier posts stand. There are some really lame married people and I don't have to be one of them!
That being said, I'm guessing there are probably slews of blogs out there denouncing my particular opinions on basically everything, so I'm going to forge through and welcome those with a similar mindset to this one.
Marriage is hard. That is an understatement. So many people around me are ending there marriages so not even the stigma of being divorced is damming the temptation to just give this thing up. There are so many enticing "freedoms" outside of the commitment and it is easy to let one's mind wander into these dangerous caverns. Yesterday my facetious musings to the husband called Ryan that although polygamy was instituted as a means of procreating more efficiently and thus fulfilling His plan of creation, I argued that women should be allowed to have multiple husbands as it would fulfill it just as well since God's purpose is for His children to have joy! More than one guy to take out the garbage, fix things, one to enjoy some interests, another others....I felt like my argument could be completely justified.
This is not the plan, and really that's ok. In my mind polyandry would just be a detour of the inevitable growing pains a marriage goes through. If you don't struggle in marriage from time to time, you're probably boring or passive aggressive; neither of these things interest me. Today I thought, "well, I suppose this is supposed to be hard, but why? Wouldn't it be so much better if the person you married fit you like another puzzle piece. I know some people brag about this being the case, but that's just sickening and untrue. As my mind began to ponder on these things the allegory of The Olive Tree started creeping into my mind.
You're all like "but that's about missionary work, haven't you even ever heard that EFY song sung at someone's missionary farewell? You obviously don't know anything about stuff!" Long ago I asked Ryan about allegories and metaphors, mostly could one story symbolize more than one thing? He answered, yes of course, that everything on earth was symbolic and while we can't just go assigning our own meaning to everything willy nilly, that there are some truths that transfer from object to object. So when I considered why this particular allegory washed through my mind, it slowly began to flesh itself out.
So the story starts out with the gardener wanting to keep this old tree. In order to do this he has to graft it with a younger "wild" olive tree or it will wither away. My first thought was that marriage is much like the grafting of two trees. Now, I'm not going to say who is the old good tree and who is the young wild one in our relationship, but it is nonetheless imperative that these two trees be joined together or neither will be able to bring forth good fruit. Here where it gets painful, that gardener has to prune and nourish that tree. Ya'll know what pruning is, right? That gardener goes in a chops of certain branches here and there in order to show that tree where to grow. This way the nourishment gets to the most important and fruity branches instead of going everywhere and there not being enough for everybody (every branch...). I'm not going to go much further into the allegory than the grafting/pruning part because these symbolic actions themselves are the most pertinent to what I want to convey today.
I supposed I haven't explained why its so hard being married to Ryan. Its because we don't always want the same things. He doesn't really like my music, tv, reading, theater, kind of a lot of things that I've come to identify myself with. When he rejects them, it is like he is rejecting me! I think this is when I first asked the Lord, "why would you lead me to this man and make me feel good about marrying him if we don't even like a lot of the same things about life?!"
To which he answered,"I'm pruning you."
Maybe sad songs, reality tv shows and bawdy theatre culture are the wild branches this natural woman wants to grow. With each rejection from my husband comes a cut. I do less of that thing, I find less pleasure in it. There comes a time of depression where I feel a real loss of what I used to be. But then, from a chosen few around me, comes the nourishment. A sudden project that ignites my passion for sewing and designing, finding pleasure in making a fancy meal and instagramming that shiz, maybe re-reading the entire Alvin Maker series written by the peerless Orson Scott Card! Even revving up the ole' blog to express my feelings in hopes that any of my paltry insights could help anyone even if its from laughing how silly I am!
God is the gardener, Ryan is a tool. Had to put that double entendre in there or I wouldn't be me ;) It's ok, I'm pretty much a tool to Ryan too and as we grow together it is going to hurt like hell snipping and chopping each others' souls all over. But eventually, all that careful shaping will guide our branches to bear fruit as we cultivate what is best that we both have most in common: The desire to be like our Heavenly Father and to love others. Those are the strong branches that will have to win out for our joint grafted tree to be healthy and alive forever.
And that's all for today, but really, I hope I remember this perspective for at least a little while :)
That being said, I'm guessing there are probably slews of blogs out there denouncing my particular opinions on basically everything, so I'm going to forge through and welcome those with a similar mindset to this one.
Marriage is hard. That is an understatement. So many people around me are ending there marriages so not even the stigma of being divorced is damming the temptation to just give this thing up. There are so many enticing "freedoms" outside of the commitment and it is easy to let one's mind wander into these dangerous caverns. Yesterday my facetious musings to the husband called Ryan that although polygamy was instituted as a means of procreating more efficiently and thus fulfilling His plan of creation, I argued that women should be allowed to have multiple husbands as it would fulfill it just as well since God's purpose is for His children to have joy! More than one guy to take out the garbage, fix things, one to enjoy some interests, another others....I felt like my argument could be completely justified.
This is not the plan, and really that's ok. In my mind polyandry would just be a detour of the inevitable growing pains a marriage goes through. If you don't struggle in marriage from time to time, you're probably boring or passive aggressive; neither of these things interest me. Today I thought, "well, I suppose this is supposed to be hard, but why? Wouldn't it be so much better if the person you married fit you like another puzzle piece. I know some people brag about this being the case, but that's just sickening and untrue. As my mind began to ponder on these things the allegory of The Olive Tree started creeping into my mind.
You're all like "but that's about missionary work, haven't you even ever heard that EFY song sung at someone's missionary farewell? You obviously don't know anything about stuff!" Long ago I asked Ryan about allegories and metaphors, mostly could one story symbolize more than one thing? He answered, yes of course, that everything on earth was symbolic and while we can't just go assigning our own meaning to everything willy nilly, that there are some truths that transfer from object to object. So when I considered why this particular allegory washed through my mind, it slowly began to flesh itself out.
So the story starts out with the gardener wanting to keep this old tree. In order to do this he has to graft it with a younger "wild" olive tree or it will wither away. My first thought was that marriage is much like the grafting of two trees. Now, I'm not going to say who is the old good tree and who is the young wild one in our relationship, but it is nonetheless imperative that these two trees be joined together or neither will be able to bring forth good fruit. Here where it gets painful, that gardener has to prune and nourish that tree. Ya'll know what pruning is, right? That gardener goes in a chops of certain branches here and there in order to show that tree where to grow. This way the nourishment gets to the most important and fruity branches instead of going everywhere and there not being enough for everybody (every branch...). I'm not going to go much further into the allegory than the grafting/pruning part because these symbolic actions themselves are the most pertinent to what I want to convey today.
I supposed I haven't explained why its so hard being married to Ryan. Its because we don't always want the same things. He doesn't really like my music, tv, reading, theater, kind of a lot of things that I've come to identify myself with. When he rejects them, it is like he is rejecting me! I think this is when I first asked the Lord, "why would you lead me to this man and make me feel good about marrying him if we don't even like a lot of the same things about life?!"
To which he answered,"I'm pruning you."
Maybe sad songs, reality tv shows and bawdy theatre culture are the wild branches this natural woman wants to grow. With each rejection from my husband comes a cut. I do less of that thing, I find less pleasure in it. There comes a time of depression where I feel a real loss of what I used to be. But then, from a chosen few around me, comes the nourishment. A sudden project that ignites my passion for sewing and designing, finding pleasure in making a fancy meal and instagramming that shiz, maybe re-reading the entire Alvin Maker series written by the peerless Orson Scott Card! Even revving up the ole' blog to express my feelings in hopes that any of my paltry insights could help anyone even if its from laughing how silly I am!
God is the gardener, Ryan is a tool. Had to put that double entendre in there or I wouldn't be me ;) It's ok, I'm pretty much a tool to Ryan too and as we grow together it is going to hurt like hell snipping and chopping each others' souls all over. But eventually, all that careful shaping will guide our branches to bear fruit as we cultivate what is best that we both have most in common: The desire to be like our Heavenly Father and to love others. Those are the strong branches that will have to win out for our joint grafted tree to be healthy and alive forever.
And that's all for today, but really, I hope I remember this perspective for at least a little while :)
1 comment:
I love you found joy in that discovery. I also think Ryan can find the joy in things you love. It might help him to be pruned to nourish your branches. Levi loves loves loves sports. I am ok with them. I love he loves something outside of us. I love crafting. He is ok with it. We don't need to do those things together. We talk about them and half listen to each other about it but that is for our own identity. We are supposed to grow together but I don't believe we have to lose ourselves. We are supposed to be finding ourselves. I think you are so amazing! You have so many gifts and joys of your personality represented in things that you like that he doesn't. He was lead to you too! It is ok to be different from each other as long as you support each other. The other night Levi was so excited about his accounting homework. That mess sucks and is boring but it will pay the bills so by all means enjoy! I was looking up Christmas tree farms and digger birthday party decor ( he thinks both are stupid). We all bring something to the table.
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