Hope.
A four-letter word I am allowed to say, but can at times be just as distasteful to me as other choice words.
Hope can be a wonderful thing. It pretty much applies to everything in life, whether you're religious or not, probably because the human condition dictates that we strive for better things when we are sad. There is a beauty in polarities, a force that is vibrant and certainly real. However, its not always the best feeling to have your hopes repaid in kind by the insidious, opposite disappointment.
In past years I've been hesitant to participate in things that require much risk. I've felt that hope was a weapon Heavenly Father used on me to "make me stronger". I didn't like it, so I veered away from those lessons. This made me kind of a recluse. I developed a more severe social anxiety and I pretty much hated anyone that was happy or comfortable with their life. I know much of this started with a certain past relationship where I learned what happens when you hoped too high and risked too much. Finding my way back to friends and the Church has been a bumpy road to say the least, but these experiences have required me to be more introspective to survive emotionally. My hope is that, like the delightful Bear Grylls, I can help even one other person navigate through total and utter despair. Maybe come out of these dangerous emotional wildernesses still intact.
Lately I've had two chances to get my hopes up. One is trying to have a baby. Since I had to wait for the equivalent of forever to get married, I'm not completely surprised that the Lord is seeing fit to delay us having kids too. That is only said with the tiniest bit of bitterness, but seriously, my mom had 8 kids, what's the hold up body? Every month I've been getting my hopes up only to feel a sense of failure along with cramps and backaches. As if being sad weren't enough...being a girl sucks. Just like getting married, I know that this is a righteous desire, heck its a commandment! And yet I, along with countless other women over the millenia, have been stuck asking the question, "how am I supposed to do this thing You want me to do?" Even though I am depressed for about a week, I can't help but start hoping for it to happen the next time. I've been hesitant until even now to tell people that we're trying because you can't really say anything to help somebody who has a perpetual disappointment that neither of them can control or change. No need to make it awkward for everybody....
So along with the vacillation between hope and despair on the baby front, I recently auditioned for a play. Oh, but Becca wait, aren't you a costume designer? Long ago in a place that was actually here, I once aspired to be an actress studying theatre at the prestigious BYU. But 'twas not to be. For many other reasons, I'm sure, besides my fragile self-esteem I was lead to a different career path. One that I love of course, but having been onstage before, its hard to completely get the urge to do it again out of your system. Well, during a break I happened to browse through facebook and saw that auditions were being held for The Rabbit Hole. I decided right then that that was my chance to venture out and try to do something that had at one time made me happy. Though having a rudimentary knowledge of the play I knew it was a subject matter close to my heart. So I told no one (except one trustworthy friend) and I marched on down to do a cold reading since I obviously had no monologue prepared. I was pretty surprised to even get a callback, but I was making sure to keep my hopes in check through the process.
It was interesting how the circumstances around those days led me to this thing at that moment. When I got to callbacks I was surprised to feel no expectations about the outcome and was kind of thrilled/dreaded that I would get a chance to stretch my acting legs again in front of a group of people. During the welcome speech, the director explained how she was going to switch us around for readings so "don't try to get inside [her] head." That struck me as the most valuable thing any director has said before an audition, because I realized how often that happens not only with auditions, but I pretty much have done that with God for like...probably my whole life? I have to admit that I did get pretty bummed partway through the audition, realizing how out of my league I was and how terrible I thought I was doing. I sat there trying to gauge her reaction and figure out who her favorites were. Then I remembered that she told us not to do that exact thing!! It was SO hard to just chill out. So I started trying to enjoy the company of the other actors, admiring their performances and thinking more about the rich subject matter of the play. It worked out, and although I won't have much to show on my resume for this experience, it got me contemplating the whole hope thing even more.
Because even though I actively tried to keep myself from hoping too much from the audition (being cast and being considered the most awesome ever, apparently...) it was still there. That pesky little bugger that I knew would bring me pain in the end. "Why," I asked myself, "would God lead me to these decisions (I felt that way, ok?) if it was only going to make me sad??" Although I had exercised considerable control over my emotions, a HUGE benchmark in the course of my adult life, it all still ended with the same result; disappointment and a vague emptiness where my hope had been.
Well, perhaps this lesson was presented to me so that I can quit trying to get into God's head. I worry about if this or that is a punishment because I think bad things or that I'm not good enough in general. But having been on the other side of that director's table (as a techie) I've seen how hard it is to disappoint people, but also have that belief that you need certain people in a certain place for things to fit. Its not about being good or bad, its just being the right player for the vision.
So how do you ease the transition from hope to emptiness?
It seems that the end of hopes and dreams have always been gouging out little caverns in my tender little heart. Perhaps this is where a lot of my depression comes from, walking around with a half-empty heart. Does the hope/despair pendulum really help me become a stronger person? In response to this self-asked question the answer came in two answers. Either I need to fill the gouges immediately with something else (think of how a dentist puts a filling into your tooth only minutes after he's drilled out the decay) or to not get gouged at all. I love metaphors, obviously.
I tested this out. I'm not sure I will ever be a person who doesn't let their heart get gouged. I think that's a perspective thing that I am far from mastering. I can say, however, that I've had some relief walking away from that audition immediately filling my heart with faith/hope that the director will orchestrate their vision to its potential. This is made infinitely easier knowing and trusting the director in real life which means I won't be offended that I'm not chosen for one reason or another.
Trust is obviously still lacking in the "life events" arena in my life, so I believe its still going to be a struggle to fill those gouges with hope and faith to believe the Lord knows what He's doing. I know I'm not a big help in figuring out how NOT to be disappointed in life, but its a start knowing where to start and how to try. Desire to desire to be good is a good place to start, right? I think if I keep trying to fill my life with more good things and reviving my faith in people is the tool to filling my vacant heart, I might actually go somewhere in my relationship with God.
Hope might not be so bad after all?
A four-letter word I am allowed to say, but can at times be just as distasteful to me as other choice words.
Hope can be a wonderful thing. It pretty much applies to everything in life, whether you're religious or not, probably because the human condition dictates that we strive for better things when we are sad. There is a beauty in polarities, a force that is vibrant and certainly real. However, its not always the best feeling to have your hopes repaid in kind by the insidious, opposite disappointment.
In past years I've been hesitant to participate in things that require much risk. I've felt that hope was a weapon Heavenly Father used on me to "make me stronger". I didn't like it, so I veered away from those lessons. This made me kind of a recluse. I developed a more severe social anxiety and I pretty much hated anyone that was happy or comfortable with their life. I know much of this started with a certain past relationship where I learned what happens when you hoped too high and risked too much. Finding my way back to friends and the Church has been a bumpy road to say the least, but these experiences have required me to be more introspective to survive emotionally. My hope is that, like the delightful Bear Grylls, I can help even one other person navigate through total and utter despair. Maybe come out of these dangerous emotional wildernesses still intact.
Lately I've had two chances to get my hopes up. One is trying to have a baby. Since I had to wait for the equivalent of forever to get married, I'm not completely surprised that the Lord is seeing fit to delay us having kids too. That is only said with the tiniest bit of bitterness, but seriously, my mom had 8 kids, what's the hold up body? Every month I've been getting my hopes up only to feel a sense of failure along with cramps and backaches. As if being sad weren't enough...being a girl sucks. Just like getting married, I know that this is a righteous desire, heck its a commandment! And yet I, along with countless other women over the millenia, have been stuck asking the question, "how am I supposed to do this thing You want me to do?" Even though I am depressed for about a week, I can't help but start hoping for it to happen the next time. I've been hesitant until even now to tell people that we're trying because you can't really say anything to help somebody who has a perpetual disappointment that neither of them can control or change. No need to make it awkward for everybody....
So along with the vacillation between hope and despair on the baby front, I recently auditioned for a play. Oh, but Becca wait, aren't you a costume designer? Long ago in a place that was actually here, I once aspired to be an actress studying theatre at the prestigious BYU. But 'twas not to be. For many other reasons, I'm sure, besides my fragile self-esteem I was lead to a different career path. One that I love of course, but having been onstage before, its hard to completely get the urge to do it again out of your system. Well, during a break I happened to browse through facebook and saw that auditions were being held for The Rabbit Hole. I decided right then that that was my chance to venture out and try to do something that had at one time made me happy. Though having a rudimentary knowledge of the play I knew it was a subject matter close to my heart. So I told no one (except one trustworthy friend) and I marched on down to do a cold reading since I obviously had no monologue prepared. I was pretty surprised to even get a callback, but I was making sure to keep my hopes in check through the process.
It was interesting how the circumstances around those days led me to this thing at that moment. When I got to callbacks I was surprised to feel no expectations about the outcome and was kind of thrilled/dreaded that I would get a chance to stretch my acting legs again in front of a group of people. During the welcome speech, the director explained how she was going to switch us around for readings so "don't try to get inside [her] head." That struck me as the most valuable thing any director has said before an audition, because I realized how often that happens not only with auditions, but I pretty much have done that with God for like...probably my whole life? I have to admit that I did get pretty bummed partway through the audition, realizing how out of my league I was and how terrible I thought I was doing. I sat there trying to gauge her reaction and figure out who her favorites were. Then I remembered that she told us not to do that exact thing!! It was SO hard to just chill out. So I started trying to enjoy the company of the other actors, admiring their performances and thinking more about the rich subject matter of the play. It worked out, and although I won't have much to show on my resume for this experience, it got me contemplating the whole hope thing even more.
Because even though I actively tried to keep myself from hoping too much from the audition (being cast and being considered the most awesome ever, apparently...) it was still there. That pesky little bugger that I knew would bring me pain in the end. "Why," I asked myself, "would God lead me to these decisions (I felt that way, ok?) if it was only going to make me sad??" Although I had exercised considerable control over my emotions, a HUGE benchmark in the course of my adult life, it all still ended with the same result; disappointment and a vague emptiness where my hope had been.
Well, perhaps this lesson was presented to me so that I can quit trying to get into God's head. I worry about if this or that is a punishment because I think bad things or that I'm not good enough in general. But having been on the other side of that director's table (as a techie) I've seen how hard it is to disappoint people, but also have that belief that you need certain people in a certain place for things to fit. Its not about being good or bad, its just being the right player for the vision.
So how do you ease the transition from hope to emptiness?
It seems that the end of hopes and dreams have always been gouging out little caverns in my tender little heart. Perhaps this is where a lot of my depression comes from, walking around with a half-empty heart. Does the hope/despair pendulum really help me become a stronger person? In response to this self-asked question the answer came in two answers. Either I need to fill the gouges immediately with something else (think of how a dentist puts a filling into your tooth only minutes after he's drilled out the decay) or to not get gouged at all. I love metaphors, obviously.
I tested this out. I'm not sure I will ever be a person who doesn't let their heart get gouged. I think that's a perspective thing that I am far from mastering. I can say, however, that I've had some relief walking away from that audition immediately filling my heart with faith/hope that the director will orchestrate their vision to its potential. This is made infinitely easier knowing and trusting the director in real life which means I won't be offended that I'm not chosen for one reason or another.
Trust is obviously still lacking in the "life events" arena in my life, so I believe its still going to be a struggle to fill those gouges with hope and faith to believe the Lord knows what He's doing. I know I'm not a big help in figuring out how NOT to be disappointed in life, but its a start knowing where to start and how to try. Desire to desire to be good is a good place to start, right? I think if I keep trying to fill my life with more good things and reviving my faith in people is the tool to filling my vacant heart, I might actually go somewhere in my relationship with God.
Hope might not be so bad after all?
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